Facebook - Your Meddling Relationship Advisor

I previously mentioned the lack of diplomacy that Facebook showed in dealing with its Unfriending feature. But this is a little more serious.

Check this. Now Facebook has taken to telling me what to do with my friends. Yes, Mr Facebook here, thinks it knows what's best for me and my relationships.

Recently while viewing my Live Feed I accidentally glanced on the far right only to see a couple of Suggestions, each featuring a photo of one of my friends.
One of them said, "You haven't spoken in a while."
Mark that...
And just below that profound observation was the magic social healing suggestion: "Poke Her!"

???

Poke Her. As if that would solve anything. What an insight. I've poked people in my time so believe me, the Lack of Poking has never been a sign of social ineptness on my part! But now, to be bullied by a PHP application into Poking my friends, no, that's going a little too far.

Another friendly advice told me that I should Suggest some new friends to one of my friends. Facebook was concerned that: "She only has 17 friends".
Obviously Facebook thinks that 17 Friends is something to be ashamed of. Facebook wants everyone to be a social climber and value quantity over quality. Facebook, you should be ashamed of yourself!

Please do not become paranoid about this mysterious Facebook ability to meddle in your private affairs. You have to understand that by joining Facebook and therefore storing your private business in its servers, you take as much a risk as you do joining GMail or any other online service...But be reassured that no human is actively stalking you and monitoring your activities on the Evil-Facebook-Control panel while munching on popcorn.

Well except if you call an auditing programming algorithm a stalker...I've come from an IT background and that algorithm is not difficult to implement, it's just a matter of programmatically auditing particular Wall to Wall interactions between two users during a particular time and introducing rules that alert the Facebook user when those interaction rates are too low. So Facebook evidently has the knowledge to surmise who I interact with most and who I have neglected for a while.

But should it care? And is it really Facebook's business? And while meddling into my private affairs, should it really try to shove it's own narcissistic and superficial social values in my face?
Hell no.

I am not really outraged, only amused.

Because it could be worse.
I could be glancing to the far right and seeing the well meaning suggestion:
"Don't forget to reply to Tania and tell her about your new crush at work."
Now that would be amusing to me but it would drive most non-IT people up the wall. (Get it, the Wall? oh, well I thought it was funny.)

Because like Google Mail which uses content intelligence to display relevant advertisements while you view your emails, I gather that Facebook also has the capability to gather insight about the gist of your Messages...and whether you've replied to them or not!

Anyway I wanted to post this because I think it is very rude to meddle.

Sadness - The Origin of Human Emotion

I'm working on an assignment relating to the brain's cortical structures such as the medial prefrontal cortex and its involvement, together with subcortical structures like the amygdala and the hippocampus, in the realm of emotion and emotion regulation.

I was struck by a passage that I read in a text written by Jonathan H. Turner. It's about the conceptualisation of sadness in terms of brain activity. It offers a social explanation for the role of sadness. It's also about the evolutionary role of sadness for survival. I've highlighted in bold those passages I'm fond of.

...One answer is that sadness is simply a by-product of depression of neurotransmitters, neuroactive peptides, and, as recent imaging studies reveal, underactivation of the subgenual prefrontal cortex (Drevets et al. 1997).

Another answer is that sadness is a very effective mechanism of social control.
For example, guilt and shame are often the outcome when a person senses that they have made others unhappy or sad by not meeting expectations; and so moral codes and comformity to them are built, not just on positive and negative sanctions, but also upon more complex sanctioning practices that avoid the full mobilization of anger.
Sadness is a very effective negative sanction because [..] it does not contain the volatitily of anger-based negative sanctions; and it is effective as a direct sanctioning technique by others, while at the same time, it often evokes sadness in the person who feels that they have failed to meet others' or their own expectations [..]. Thus guilt, shame, and other emotions in which sadness is a dominant componant are probably more than a by-product of suspension of other emotional responses; sadness is a key to social control revolving around negative sanctioning that avoids the volatility of anger and fear, although these latter emotions are part of a complex second-order emotions like shame and guilt. Moreover, sadness is also a signal to others that the individual is in need of social support. By reading signals of sadness, others become aware that a person requires attention and positive emotions. In fact, sadness is a good example of how humans read emotions nonverbally, because we respond most actively to body signals that a person is unhappy. There was probably selection for this kind of response, since, if a group-living animal with strong bioprogrammers for such living is to sustain solidarity, it must be able to read and respond to cues that [other] individuals are not mobilized to put energy into solidarity-maintaining rituals.
- Jonathan H. Turner, On the origins of human emotion: a sociological inquiry into the evolution of human affect, Stanford University Press, 2000

I supposed that people who are adept at dissimulating to others that they are sad often do not receive the social support that they need. It is ironic that such people may believe themselves to be self-sufficient and well-adapted but in fact by refusing to overtly manifest their sadness, they are arguably behaving in a way contrary to what survival dictates.

Meanwhile, I find it interesting how humans, at least those who are pro-social, are wired to interpret any form of 'low activity', 'low social presence', 'withdrawing' in any other individual, as a sign that something is wrong. If they see that an individual is no longer actively engaging in social activities and instead undergoes a period of 'depressed' living, it is then instinctively believed that this person, according to Turner, is unable to mobilize energy into solidarity-maintaining rituals. And in that case, evolutionarily speaking, people tend to think that this person's survival may be threatened and from this realisation stems an attempt by others to support them.

How illuminating!

Narcissistic Men (or Women)

How to recognise them.



1. They are ever attentive and caring in the beginning of the relationship. This is not so after a couple of months onwards.

2. They establish behaviour rules. Oh, nothing drastic at first. It could range from seemingly banal assertions like "I never answer the phone" to the more controlling "I don't like you talking with other guys." Cringe.

3. They have low self-esteem - The common misconception about narcissistic persons is that they love themselves and that they have an unshakeable self-belief. This couldn't be further from the truth. While they seem self-sufficient and appear to have an elevated sense of self, in actual fact their self-esteem is dismal. They are extremely insecure people who need others to boost their ego.
That's where you come in!!! You, along with others serve as their audience. Narcissists use others to boost their crumbling sense of worth and they ride high on that collective energy so much so that it is easy to believe they don't need anyone. That's not true. They do!!
This also implies that injuring their ego is not recommended.
Which brings me to point number 4.



4. They react badly to the slightest criticism or negative nuance - that's what I meant. You shouldn't injure their ego. This can make them anxious, irritable or downright aggressive. At worse they can become revengeful.

5. It's all about them. Ok, there are people who love talking about themselves but who are equally interested in you and who can tolerate constructive criticism. But in the case of narcissists, the marketing blurb doesn't stop. And while they talk selflishly of their own concerns, they are blatantly oblivious to yours. For example, they are not interested in making you feel good about your achievements instead, only concentrating on their own achievements.

6. They like, need and crave attention from the opposite sex - there's a dual rule here. You for one, should abstain from even smiling at the opposite sex but they on the other hand need the maintain their fan base regularly. It doesn't matter if the narcissist already has a partner, girlfriend or whatever: they need a large group of admirers on stand by. The more the better. And quantity is usually favoured over quality.

7. They are manipulative - you have to understand that these people have such high insecurities that they are not naturally confident that you would either support them or remain with them for long, unless they coerce you to do so in some way. This is why they use all their powers of persuasion which includes lying about their achievements, making you insecure or jealous, and planting evil seeds of doubt in your mind so that you are sure to hang around. In short, they make you vulnerable. In the meantime, the narcissist refrains from revealing his or her own vulnerability.



8. You find yourself neglected - In your relationship with the narcissist, you feel uncared for and generally neglected emotionally. There is a key factor in childhood/caregiver attachment called 'sensitivity'. In this scenario, a mother helps her child to become attached to her by being sensitive to its needs. That is, by correctly detecting what the child wants and responding to its needs appropriately. According to psychological research, caregiver sensitivity and synchrony with the child are the most important aspects for developing a trusting and comforting child/caregiver attachment rather than just breast-feeding for example. But what about adults? I would argue that we want basically the same thing. And the irony with narcissists is that while at first, they show extreme sensitivity towards you, they later become highly out of sync and aloof. Think about it, you are there to support them, not the other way around. If they are sick, it's your duty to say "Are you ok" or "Hope you get better" but on the other hand, if you are sick, expect no such kindness from them. It's as if they are not listening. Think Oscar Wilde and Bosie and you'll get what I mean. Poor Oscar.



9. You find it hard to 'leave' them - Ok, this is the telling sign that you are dealing with a narcissistic individual. But there are two issues here. The first is that through their rules, neglect or jealousy games, they have managed to injure your self-esteem in some way.The result is that somehow, you have come to believe that you don't deserve better. Or worst, you actually come to believe that there is nothing wrong with their behaviour and that it is your expectations that are incorrect and need re-adjusting. Don't go there. Look around you and you will find people who treat you more kindly. The second issue is your nature. Unfortunately, you are as much a problem as they are. This is because while narcissistic people tend to be highly avoidant of overt emotional manifestations they in turn attract highly emotional, clinging, obsessive types. Like you, perhaps. So be careful if that is you. Understand what it is that they represent and don't hurt yourself by remaining in this relationship.

The Narcissisists - How to leave them

1. Don't make a scene. The more emotionally charged the breakup, the more you set yourself up for a sadomasochistic state where deep down, admit it, you expect them to suddenly feel intense remorse for hurting you and somehow to run after you, then go down on one knee to say sorry and ask for forgiveness.... It won't happen!!!

2. The very first step you need to take is to like yourself. Appreciate your strengths. Do things that make you feel good. Learn to love yourself. Spend time with people who are positive and responsive. Stop dismissing or rejecting those people who respond to you easily. That's the mistake clingers make. They seem to get high on rejection and throw themselves at narcissists. Kamikaze style.

3. Stop investing yourself Emotionally with them- You need to do this over time and consistently. Test your resolve to resist their manipulative ways. The more you resist, the more you will feel stronger. Continue to interact with them but remain detached. They hate that. They will probably notice this since they feed on your emotionalism. They will probably change their behaviour temporarily to get more emotional response out of you. The key word here is temporarily. So don't be fooled.

4. Once you are strong and emotionally detached, you will find it easier to end the relationship. And when you do, you will realise how truly pathetic and childish they are. It's really quite sad to see and they should probably see a shrink.

5. Don't look back. You are worth more than this.